Forgetting The Trust
by pegbronco
Summary: This is "The Fix" related short. Goes along with 'Remembering the Trust' This is Hutch's POV.


I own the grammar mistakes…

Not the boys…

Just like playing with them.

This is 'The Fix' related.

FORGETTING THE TRUST

By Pegbronco

Why won't it just go away? How long do I have to suffer with this? Why won't this just let me be?

Damn Forrest!

I just patted down the dealer. Eight small packs, but who's counting? I could just slip one in my pocket. No-one is looking. No-one will know. Starsky is busy stuffing him in the car. He won't notice.

Good, no-one saw. But what the hell am I doing? Why did I just do that? Now I'm no better then them. What have I just done?

But it's got to stop. It's got to stop nagging me.

"Hutch? You alright?" He softly asks. I can't answer him. I can't look at him. What if he knows what I did?

"Fine," I lied. Looking to the ground. If I look at him, he'll know that I just destroyed everything that we stand for.

Booking the dealer was quick and easy. We've got the rest of the afternoon off. I just got to get the hell out of here. I rush to the door without looking at him.

"Hey Hutch, want to go get some food at Huggy's?" He asked in a voice that was full of concern. Did he see something? Does he know that I allowed myself to cave? Allowed Forrest to win?

"No. Just need to go home. See you in the morning," I told him over my shoulder as I headed for the car. Can't look at him. Can't look at anyone, especially him.

He just stood and watched me leave.

He knows. I can sense it.

Slowly shutting the door to the cottage behind me, I shut the world out. I don't want to deal with it right now. Got to escape from it. It's just got to leave me alone.

I leave the lights out. The room needs to stay dark, like the hole I just put in my heart.

How can I just let this go? It eats at me every day. Eats at my brain.

Damn you Forrest!

Damn you Monk!

Starsky.

What will he do _if_ he finds out? No…he _will_ find out. I can't keep anything from him. He's my other half. He knows everything about me.

But he doesn't know what it's like. He doesn't know what I'm going through. No-one knows what it's like.

Screw everyone. I need this. I just need it to stop.

It's my life. I have no-one but myself. No-one cares.

Starsky.

Oh God Starsky, what have I done to us?

You'll never forgive me. You'll never be able to trust me again. I've made a mess of us this time.

What time is it? 12:30. I've been pacing all night. I can't think anymore. Don't want to think anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. I just need this whole damn thing to let me go.

Fine. I'll do it. Just set out everything I need.

The powder looks so innocent. Just so small of a pack. The smooth white powder. The flame of the candle flickering softly. The needle…the damn thing that invades the body with pain and then delivers you to a world that is pain free. No more thinking. No nothing. Just a soft emptiness.

The memories of what Monk did to me, just three weeks earlier, flood through my body. I can't go through that again. Can't put myself or _him_ through it again. Not Starsky.

Starsky.

Ohgod Starsk… I look down at the powder. What if it was _you_ they were after? What would I have done? I would have given you up. Given you to them just to be in that world. Given you up like the piece of trash that I am. I would never be able to live with the hatred that you would have for me.

Starsky.

How am I to face you now? After all that you did for me. Helped me through the withdrawals. Held me close till I felt nothing but your love. You stood there defiant against the drug that held me prisoner. Ever vigilant. You cared for me when I couldn't.

How am I going to be able to face you? The one person that has been by my side. Stood next to me through Hell and back. The one person that I love more then life. To watch you walk away from me now, will kill me. To know that you will turn your back and never look back.

God, how am I going to live with myself? You know that I turned into that what we fight against every day. The scum. The pushers. The low life.

My life is over. How did I allow this? Defiled what I am. What _we_ are.

Starsky.

I know that not only have I killed part of myself, I killed a part of you too. I'm so sorry.

I'm so cold. I need you.

I sit down here in the car. Looking up at your apartment. No lights. Only the slight glow that creeps around the window blinds.

Your up.

Are you sitting up there erasing me from your life? Are you waiting for my sorry ass to show up so you can close me out of your life yourself?

I made it to your door, but I can't continue. This is the end of us. I ruined us. I took your love for me and threw it away. Crushed it.

I reach up, but can't push the button or open the door. I don't have the strength. My hand shacking. I have nothing left in me. The physical door frame is the only thing that holds me up now. My head against your door, outside your world that would ease my pain. Why did I come here?

You opened the door.

You take my arm and lead me into your world of salvation. I don't deserve it.

I can't go any further. I don't deserve to sit next to you. The floor. That's as far as I go.

Ohgod Starsk…please don't. Don't make me face you. I'm scared.

I look into your eyes. I see the other half of my soul, bright and still full of life. See you reaching out to me with your heart.

Please don't touch me. I don't deserve your tenderness.

Here…take it. I'm handing you our lives back. Take the drug and throw it out.

I'm laying here on your floor crying and you still sit there. Your love and concern for me, flooding over.

Please just yell at me. Scream that you hate me. Hit me, anything. Just don't sit there looking at me with those patient eyes of yours. The love you have for me shinning through the blue.

I just told you that I would have given you up to Forrest for the drug and you still _forgive_ me.

Why? Why would you still love me?

Trust.

You still trust me.

As I will always trust you to always love me for who I am.

Once again you have saved me from myself.

I love you Starsky. More then you will ever know.

END


End file.
